Star-Gazette (Elmira, New York), February 14, 2006, Tuesday

Love global style Around the world, rituals differ and Valentine's Day is just coming into vogue
February 14, 2006
http://www.star-gazette.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060214/LIFE/602140311/1035

Most Americans associate Valentine's Day with chocolate, roses and assorted heart-shaped gifts. We also tend to incorporate our dating traditions into our Valentine's Day plans.But dating customs can be radically different around the world. In many countries, traditional courtship rituals are being influenced by Western ideas as well as the Internet. No matter how different the dating customs are from country to country, one thing is universal: Each country has specific rules, some of which are easier to bend than others.For this story, six people now living in the Southern Tier discuss the dating customs and Valentine's Day traditions in their home countries.

Japan
Hiroaki Kawanobe, 26, of Elmira College is a Japanese scholar. He's teaching Japanese courses as well as taking classes himself. A native of Japan, he lives on the college's campus. Kawanobe says that Japanese dating rituals have changed over the past few decades."Dating is getting more Americanized, meaning it's more common for people to meet and decide to go out. For years, the omiai was the way people got together," Kawanobe says.The omiai is a custom where two people are introduced with the sole purpose of getting married. Usually, the meeting is arranged by the couple's parents and serves as an initial blind date. The word "omiai" is used to describe the entire courtship process as well as the first meeting between the couple, often with the couple's parents present."This is how my Mom and Dad met," Kawanobe says. "The omiai still takes place today, but (it's not as common). About 50 years ago, everybody did it."Kawanobe says that when people do meet and decide to go out together, gender roles are much more prescribed than those in America."It's OK for a woman to ask out a man, but it's much more common for men to ask women out. In Japan, the man's only job, traditionally, is to work, to provide for the family. But this has been changing, little by little. Men don't do chores, clean up, run errands or go shopping. This, too, has been changing, little by little. Women do all this. (As a result,) men don't buy many gifts. If they do buy gifts for Valentine's Day, they buy the same types of gifts as Americans: Japan is known for its chocolate. We have 'White Day,' which is basically where men return gifts to women who gave chocolate or gifts. Moreover, Valentine's Day is a good day to confess love from women to men with chocolate," Kawanobe says.Kawanobe says the most drastic difference he's found in American dating practices is the commonality of public displays of affection."Our country is pretty private. I couldn't believe it when I (saw) people kissing in public here. You just don't see that in Japan."

Poland
Monica Dudzinska-Sayres, 38, of Elmira grew up in Warsaw, Poland. When she came to Elmira in 1991, she immediately noticed differences in dating rituals."In Poland, guys and girls would sit together, hang out together, just go out together in groups. Here, I couldn't understand why guys and girls were always so separated. It was much more formal here," Dudzinska-Sayres says."In Poland, if you were interested in somebody, there was more of a process of getting to know each other as friends first, before (official) dates. You'd go to coffee places and would talk for hours. There was definitely more talking involved in Poland," Dudzinska-Sayres says.Body language and physical contact also were much different."We're just more physical in Poland: People kiss on the cheeks, kiss hands, touch on the shoulder. It's much more open there, where in America, that physical contact is seen as not appropriate," Dudzinska-Sayres explains.She says Valentine's Day really wasn't celebrated in Poland until the late 1980s. What she remembers is celebrating International Women's Day in March."As a little girl, I remember Dad getting flowers for Mom (on International Women's Day). When I was very young, she would get a red or white carnation, for the Polish flag, but then that changed when the whole political system changed," Dudzinska-Sayres says.Dudzinska-Sayres' husband is American; she remembers the day she met him at happy hour at the now-closed Elmira bar Chuck Clark's. "My biggest problem here when I came to this country was the language barrier. There are just so many idioms! I carried a dictionary everywhere I went, but so many terms like 'happy hour' weren't in there! That day (at Chuck Clark's) my husband, I remember, was the only person who took his time to talk to me. Everyone else was just trying to talk louder to me when I didn't understand something!"Dudzinska-Sayres and her husband have been married for 11 years and have an 8-year-old daughter. She still has family in Poland and travels back to her hometown about once a year.

Ghana
Ernest Gborglah, 24, is a senior at Mansfield University. Gborglah says that dating customs are going through drastic changes in Ghana, mostly because of the Internet."Before the Internet, a man (would have) to approach a woman through their family. Meetings and marriages were arranged; normally the man and woman (would have) no say on it. If the family thinks you're old enough to marry, then you do. But because of Western influences, things are changing," Gborglah says.He adds that Western influences such as television, radio and the Internet have not only changed dating practices, but also have altered communication between parents and children."Children are now finding they have the power to make their own choices. And it's easier for more people to travel out of the country. Now if my father wants to arrange a lady for me, we just say no. Most parents are not even trying. But we're (more likely) to communicate with them about it. Parents might put you in the frame of mind to be thinking of a certain person: She is nice, well brought up, would make a good wife, (etc.) and we might pursue that person," he says.Gborglah says one of the main differences in dating customs between Ghana and America is the intention of the actual dates."In Ghana when you start dating a woman, it's assumed you'll marry her. (It's common for a woman to ask) 'Do you love me?' on a first date," he says.He also says that gender roles are more pronounced in Ghana, which, in turn, influences dating practices."In America, women tell you they like you. A woman can't tell you she likes you in Ghana; you'd think she was cheap," Gborglah says. "The casual dating in America shocked me, because I just hadn't seen that before. Here, somebody (single) can have children. In Ghana, you'd be forced to marry. There are single parents there, but they almost always get married first, then get divorced."Gborglah says Valentine's Day is celebrated in Ghana, but it's a relatively new tradition: "When the radio came around in the early '90s, that's when Valentine's Day became popular. The radio hypes it so much, and tells you (that) you must give gifts. Almost everyone wears red. We give anything that's red, (as well as) chocolate. The most common gift, probably, is artificial flowers."

Russia
Olga Chernetskaya, 22, is a senior at Mansfield University. She says she sees two main differences between American and Russian dating practices."In Russia, guys are more active to date girls. Girls usually don't make the first move; girls usually don't call first," Chernetskaya says.The role of women in the United States is probably what surprised her the most when she came to Mansfield University."I was shocked when I saw girls making first steps with guys. This would be hard for me to do. ... I think I have changed a little bit in that way, but not much!" she says.Chernetskaya also was surprised by physical displays of affection, but not in the same way that Hiroaki Kawanobe was:"People here aren't as physical or as public as they are at home. In Russia, it's more common to show your emotions and hold hands. ... Sometimes, here, you don't know that people are together as a couple!"Chernetskaya has a special affection for Valentine's Day because it is also her birthday. She says she usually gets double the presents for double the occasion."On Valentine's Day, people usually celebrate by going somewhere, like a cafe. And (typical gifts are) jewelry, chocolate or small toys. And like here, people wear red," she says.

Denmark
Bo Pederson, 38, of Cornell University is a third-year graduate student in psychology. His home city is Copenhagen. Pederson says dating isn't as structured in Denmark."Often you'll hang with friends at home and drink lots of beer and then go out to bars or a private party. I guess sometimes you'd ask friends where (a certain romantic interest) would be hanging out, so you can make sure to meet him/her by 'coincidence.' There was never really a tradition of going 'out on a date,' (having) dinner, (seeing) a movie and all that. But it is becoming more popular by now - especially with the Internet dating services.Pederson says that gender roles do play into dating: "Men generally make the first move. But, of course, woman can provoke that move in various ways with smiles, eye contact, etc. I guess it would be too direct for women to call men. Unless they can find something neutral and innocent to call about."Pederson comments on the perception of gay relationships in Denmark: "Copenhagen has a pretty happening gay scene, but the further you get out to the rural west, the more conservative people would be about this subject ... The Danish state church is divided in the debate about whether they should give homosexuals their blessings. (But) gay marriage has been legal for many years."

India
Anil Germain De Costa, 24, of Cornell University is a second-year graduate student at the School of Industrial and Labor Relations. De Costa says that dating in Bangalore, his home city, has completely changed in the past six years."India is pretty traditional, unlike the U.S. where you can just go and ask a girl/guy out directly. Typically back home, people wait and get to know the person through a friend before making the bold step of asking them out. It is really a big thing to ask someone out!" De Costa says."It's always been about getting to know the person reasonably well before asking them out. Even parents were much against the idea of dating when you were in college, as people always felt that when you had to study, (dating was a) distraction. Only once you got a job and were old enough (should you) start dating," he adds. "The concept of dating is becoming a lot more popular. ... Consequently, parents have also become a lot more accepting of the concept of dating. One of the biggest changes that I have seen is people mixing together, in terms of religion and caste."De Costa says he's seen a tremendous Western influence from cable television, the Internet and call centers on dating practices in India."'Friends' was a huge hit, and you (may) have noticed how dating is treated in a very Western way. ... The concept of friends becoming more important and taking center stage at adolescence rather than family is a Western concept, as opposed to the Indian/Asian value of family being first."De Costa says this Western influence can also be seen in Feb. 14 celebrations: "Valentine's Day which was never celebrated until four or five years ago has now become a big event. Now you have hotels and clubs holding Valentine's Day events and parties."De Costa explains how employment at call centers is changing the dating scene in India:"The call centers are your typical technical support: airline lost baggage claim, banking help desks - the Dells, HSBCs, IBM and Accenture - that have invested heavily in Bangalore. Call centers now pay graduates - who might have previously earned perhaps 3000-4000 rupees a month ($60-$80) and hence hardly had anything to save and spend on themselves - these call centers pay them around 8000-1000 rupees a month ($180 - $200). Hence, they have a lot more disposable income - which they spend on themselves rather than save. Malls and coffeehouses on the lines of Starbucks have given these couples a place to hang out and spend time by themselves."