The New York Times, April 22, 2007, Sunday

Copyright 2007 The New York Times Company

The New York Times

April 22, 2007 Sunday

Late Edition - Final

SECTION: Section 9; Column 1; Style Desk; THE AGE OF DISSONANCE; Pg. 3

HEADLINE: When You Meet an Imus

BYLINE: By BOB MORRIS.

E-mail: Bobmorris@nytimes.com

BODY:

I was descending in an elevator from a party last weekend with some very wound-up young strangers. Out of the blue, one of them looked straight at the well-dressed friend I was with, and said, ''Hey, I saw you on Oprah.''

He thought he was being funny. But all heads went down in the elevator because this friend of mine was the only black person at the party. Was this a racist jibe or just a very poor choice? I wanted to respond to diffuse the tension, but with what?

Fortunately, I didn't have to say anything.

''Yeah,'' my friend shot back playfully, ''and I called her a nappy-headed ho.''

That got a laugh, and the transgressor was quietly shamed.

If only it were always so easy. But even now, after the last of the public debate over why Don Imus lost his job for carelessly throwing an epithet at an innocent team of female basketball players, how many of us would know what to do in that elevator?

When celebrities say something with racial overtones, they get zapped because they're famous. Raoul Felder, the celebrity divorce lawyer, was being asked to resign from the New York State Commission on Judicial Conduct because of a book he wrote with Jackie Mason that colleagues say has ''racial, ethnic and religious invective.''

Well, as the satiric song from ''Avenue Q'' cheerfully suggests, ''Everyone's a Little Bit Racist,'' and some happen to be more publicly accountable than others.

But once you get off the grid of the famous and into everyday life, what do you do? Is it better just to let an inappropriate comment pass?

Most people would rather walk away than risk a confrontation. And most etiquette authorities counsel the same thing, suggesting that the silence a racist or sexist remark provokes is enough of a reply to embarrass a transgressor, though a few argue that inaction just worsens the problem.

''If you chose not to respond,'' said Christopher Metzler, a professor with the Cornell School of Industrial and Labor Relations, ''aren't you knowingly participating?''

Earlier this month he was on an elevator at a conference (about diversity, of all things) when one woman said to another, ''I guess the tanning bed is working.'' The ''tan'' woman was of mixed race. Everyone froze except Professor Metzler.

''After asking her what she meant, and getting a silly answer,'' he said, ''I told her the comment was inappropriate. Doing that is never an easy thing.''

Gwen Krause, a New Yorker who teaches mediation and conflict resolution to executives, was on a vacation when a white tourist told a black tourist, who was Ms. Krause's traveling companion, ''Hey, why don't you smile so we can see where we're going?'' Ms. Krause and her companion were both too stunned to say anything.

''And it's my job to know how to deal with situations like that in the workplace,'' she said. But if she had said something, would that have created more awkwardness, not just because of the confrontation but because it draws more attention to the victim?

Not everything has to be a ''teachable moment,'' as educators like to say. The summer before last, I was a houseguest having lunch when the husband of my host told a Jewish joke. I was glad his wife didn't think she had to rise to my defense. I mean, what good would it do to chide an 85-year-old man unlikely to change his ways?

Of course, every situation is different. Office workers are required to flag racism. Family members are not, but often do so for their own reasons. Some pull the guilty aside for a private talk, others are more public.

When Margaret Cho, the comedian, noticed a bumper sticker that said, ''This car was built with tools, not chopsticks,'' she just pulled up next to the driver, rolled down her window and yelled, ''Aaagh! Aaagh! Aaagh!'' before driving away.

But Harriette Cole, a syndicated columnist and the author of ''How to Be,'' an etiquette guide for African-Americans, strives for a more elegant delivery. When men on the street or in bars make catcalls, she asks them what their mothers would think.

''You do it with a twinkle in your eye, but you get the point across,'' she said.

Or as my friend said after our elevator incident, ''The best way to bite back is with charm.'' If that takes too much effort, a simple ''I don't get it'' may work, too. Sometimes the best way to deal with a fool is to play one yourself.

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