The New York Times, April 3, 2005, Sunday

Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company
The New York Times

April 3, 2005 Sunday
Late Edition - Final

SECTION: Section 3; Column 1; SundayBusiness; OFF THE SHELF; Pg. 8

HEADLINE: Easier Said Than Done: Getting People to Like You

BYLINE: By PAUL B. BROWN

BODY:
MAYBE Sally Field should head a Fortune 500 company.
When she received her second Academy Award in five years in 1985 -- for her role in ''Places in the Heart,'' after winning for ''Norma Rae'' in 1980 -- Ms. Field famously observed in her acceptance speech: ''You like me, right now, you like me!''
Countless comedians did riffs on the neediness suggested by that line, but it turns out -- according to several books coming into the stores this month -- that likability may be the easiest way to explain why chief executives earn as much as they do. (As critics of executive pay packages often say, performance doesn't always justify the big paycheck.)
In fact, Tim Sanders, a ''leadership coach'' at Yahoo, writes in his new book, ''The Likeability Factor'' (Crown, $23), having people want to be around you ''is truly the secret of a charmed, happy and profitable life.''
Mr. Sanders, who had a best seller three years ago with ''Love Is the Killer App,'' defines likability as ''an ability to create positive attitudes in other people through the delivery of emotional and physical benefits.'' Then, citing academic studies that seem to prove that likable people do better in life, Mr. Sanders outlines what he believes are the four aspects of likability:
Friendliness. ''Expressing a liking for another person; communicating welcome,'' is the way he puts it.
Relevance. He defines it as the extent to which you connect to another's wants and needs.
Empathy. ''Understanding so intimate that the feelings thoughts and motives of one are readily comprehended by another.''
Being real. He says it is important to be ''factual and actual'' rather than just trying to present an image to the world.
In his book, Mr. Sanders gives examples of each factor and goes so far as to offer exercises intended to increase your likability. To become more friendly, for instance, he suggests that you ''play greeter for the day, acting as a maitre d' would.'' His point is that you want to ''take it upon yourself to instill a sense of welcome in others.''
The examples, like the one above, may tend to sound hokey. Still, Mr. Sanders is on to something here. Likable people do seem more successful.
Samuel B. Bacharach, a professor in the School of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, agrees that having people like you helps, but he adds that being liked will not in itself allow you to accomplish anything. You need to win support and convert skeptics to your point of view. And that means playing politics -- in the nicest sense of the word, he adds in ''Get Them on Your Side'' (Platinum Press/Adams Media, $19.95).
''Politics is simply the way we influence others to achieve our goals,'' he writes. ''As long as those goals are positive, and not achieved at the expense of others, the politics of getting them accomplished is neither manipulative nor negative. Dictators may be political, but saints might be, too.''
Having established that you need to forge coalitions, Mr. Bacharach divides his book neatly into thirds, with each section devoted to a task you must accomplish.
The first, Mr. Bacharach says, is to understand what you are up against. That means anticipating negative reactions to what you propose and understanding what will prompt those concerns.
That understanding in place, you lay the foundation for your alliances by establishing your credibility, explaining why people should believe your idea is good and outlining how to carry it out while anticipating objections every step of the way.
It is only then that you can make anything happen, Mr. Bacharach writes.
Unfortunately, whether you are trying to create a new project at work or trying to convince your spouse that it is time to move to a bigger home, real life does not work quite as so smoothly.
Still, Mr. Bacharach does an excellent job of outlining the resistance you are likely to encounter. He says, for example, that you are likely to hear one or more of six possible objections when you propose something new -- everything from ''it's too risky'' or ''it will actually make the situation worse,'' to ''you don't know the facts well enough'' or ''you have ulterior motives.'' He offers specific responses in each case.
But what is the best general path when dealing with people who don't see things your way, no matter how likable and persuasive you are? Negotiate with them, of course.
Here, Lacey T. Smith, who leads negotiation seminars, takes a counterintuitive approach. In his new book, ''Get It! Street-Smart Negotiations at Work'' (Davies-Black, $18.95), he writes that reasonableness in negotiations is overrated.
''My experience -- personal and professional -- tells me that the contour of almost every persuasion is shaped by emotions: hopes and fears,'' Mr. Smith writes. ''It's not about logic and rationality. Your task is to understand your emotions and those on the other side, because these emotions define our interests as we perceive them.''
Mr. Smith, who was a state senator and an assistant attorney general in Kentucky, says the key to having a negotiation go your way is to address the emotional concerns of the other side about what you are proposing. Invariably, he says, you will come out ahead if you can understand their hopes and fears.
To help you discover them, he offers a number of techniques, from asking open-ended questions to resisting the urge to make a counteroffer when someone puts forth a price. Instead of responding with a number of your own, Mr. Smith suggests that you say: ''That's an interesting price. Where did you get it?'' He says the response will often include something that you can use to your advantage.
Let's see. The secret to success at work is to have people like you, forge coalitions and negotiate. Maybe psychology professors should start writing business books.